“Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves” ― Henry David Thoreau
March was a tough call. Lots of “RE-” words floating around. Remember, reflect, reconcile, restore, rebirth, resilience. It makes sense though. The prefix “re-” means both “back” and “again”. It speaks to the past and the future simultaneously, which could not be more appropriate for a month that had my gaze fixated on the past year as well as on the light at the end of the this pandemic tunnel.
Connecting past realities to new ones is a very uncomfortable and confusing state if held there for too long. March was like being in a building’s vestibule during a rainstorm— out of the storm but not yet safe inside. And while I know that “inside” is going to be significantly better than the “rainstorm”, I’ve spent enough time in the vestibule to “what if” the future to death. Yes, to death—I don’t know that I want the new normal to come as quickly as it seems to be.
I’ve grown accustomed to this very weird lifestyle, now I don’t mind it so much. Sure, there are restrictions— I can’t go outside much, or freely meet with people… I can’t enjoy a vacation without judgement and I don’t really know what’s open… There are very few whimsical happenings and serendipitous interactions that remind me how funny and beautiful life is. BUT! I get to spend so much time enjoying my own space, I don’t have to commute or think about my appearance, and I have an ironclad excuse in my back pocket at all times. I recognize that this is a Stockholm Syndrome way of thinking, but I can see very clearly how the oncoming deterioration of excuses and repository for blame, is going to be yet another tough adjustment that I’m already feeling lazy just thinking about.
But I have to remind myself that living in this pandemic way, is not living life. Life is so much more than this, and it’s worth learning how to protect my time better and taking honest stock of who I genuinely do and don’t enjoy spending time with. I’m calling it right now: if the pandemic era ended home relationships, the post-pandemic era is going to end the socially obligatory relationships. So cheers to that.
While getting comfortable with my life indoors, I wasn’t able to fully recognize how my mental needs slowly fused together into one, confusing amalgamation. Only now do I see how unhealthy it is to lump together relaxation, comfort, and fun, and satiate all of those needs with just one of the few activities we had available. "Relaxation” is not the same thing as “comfort” and neither of those are the same thing as “fun”. They are three separate necessities for overall happiness. Now I’m struggling to differentiate them. For the last year I considered each of those boxes checked by curling up in bed with a glass of wine and a movie. Now, figuring out ways to have fun requires active effort and focus.
A good example of this happened a couple weeks ago when I spoke with my friend from college, Nora. We realized that she lives only a seven-hour drive away from me, and determined that she could get to my place by lunchtime one weekend if she left early enough. We chose a weekend in May and quickly solidified the logistics of our plan. Then Nora asked, “What should we do while I’m there?” It hit me very abruptly. Initially I thought she being funny. I wanted to say, “Oh, all the things! We’ll stay home and talk, then take a masked walk around the park, grab a drink at a sidewalk hut, and then go home and stay there.” But instead I responded with something very generic because I had absolutely no idea what we should do.
The following week she asked me again, “What do you want to do while I’m there? I really want to start planning.” I couldn’t even fathom what I wanted to do… in New York City… post-vaccine. The idea that we could “do” anything hasn’t entered my head in a year. I told her we’d talk about it during our next Zoom date, because nothing says pandemic-thinking quite like ambiguity and Zoom. Thankfully, Nora quickly took the reins and sent me a link to buy tickets to “The Friends Experience”, the exhibit for ultimate Friends fans where you sit on the Central Perk couch, check out other pieces of the set, and learn all the superfan trivia. Thank goodness she did because not even museums came to my mind as a potential option let alone something so deliciously touristy as the Friends Experience! It felt surreal buying tickets to an event, and it wasn’t until that moment that recognized… I really don’t remember how to “fun”.
Part of this is of course due to the many restrictions still in place, but it’s also matter of now having to make sure that I’m having fun just for fun’s sake, not because I’m also trying to accomplish something, run an errand, or to triple dip into comfort and relaxation again.
Just like how at the very beginning of the pandemic it was immediately difficult to find boundaries at home, I’ve realized that my mental processing is in need of the same boundaries. It’s taken a year to understand how my mind has been working overtime, grouping together fun, comfort, and relaxation the same way that my living room clocks overtime as the office, the gym, the bar, and the theater. The same way we need different spaces to understand different experiences, mental needs deserve to be satisfied with their own activities.
I don’t have any tricks for hacking this bizarre mental situation yet. But I think that identifying where I’ve gotten a little lost is a good starting point on the road to understanding myself better, as Thoreau suggests. I’m looking forward to taking those steps this April and hope that that if you’ve felt the same way, that you can find the best ways to compartmentalize too. I know that feeling my mental needs saturated with individual fulfillment will remind me what makes life worth living again, and certainly worth relearning.
Have a fabulous April, and happy birthday to my Aries and Taurus friends!
With love always,
Izzie
Given my mental equivalent of a computer crash last month and needing to reboot, I don’t have many suggestions for further reading. I’ll save those for another time if they stay stuck in my head.
Instead, and in the name of “fun”, I’ve taken up painting as an activity I enjoy and now I don’t know what to do with my paintings. If you like one of the below, email me at izziezuniga27@gmail.com with which one you like and I’ll mail it to you with a special message. xo
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