In it to... just be in it.
A love letter to rejection
Hello again dear one,
I’ve felt a strong shift in energy lately and have been wondering how many others feel it too. From what I’ve noticed, there’s been a flurry big changes going on for many people around me. New beginnings, endings, and milestones all taking place at once. It makes me hyperaware of a potential shift happening in my own life, and I have to wonder if my moment is going to come too. Things feel big and exciting right now and it’s a fun place to be, but it’s also scary. What if it’s a moment for many, but not for me?
I’m currently in a holding pattern awaiting news that will change my life completely. I applied to Brown’s playwriting MFA program at the beginning of January, a choice that felt like the first one I deliberately made for myself in a long time, one that I didn’t just happen to fall into. Every part of it feels right to me. The program, the institution, the location, the network. It feels like a custom made springboard for me to jump into a life that feels intentional and true. In fact, it feels so right and so meant to be, that it makes the inevitable doubt that comes with all magical possibilities significantly more biting. With each sign I receive that says “This is it! It’s happening! It’s meant to beeeeee!!!!!!”, crippling doubt struts in and says “…unless it’s not.” and leaves me with a panicky fear, “what if it’s not?!?!”.
Normally I’d be confident in my ability to take things like this in stride. I’d remind myself that if I don’t get the news I want, I can be sad and wallow for a little while, but not for too long— I’d pick myself up soon after and move on. This time however, I noticed a severe lacking in such confidence early on. This kind of rejection is different. If “thanks for playing” is the answer after what felt like the most natural and perfect fit in every regard, how could I possibly pick myself up again from something so debilitatingly disappointing?
Then it struck me. You don’t get a “thanks for playing” if you didn’t play. This is what being in the game looks like. Even if it’s not a win, I’ll take a loss versus shouting from the stands any day. No matter what the outcome may be, it came from my determining that what I want IS right for me, then permitting myself to go for it. This wasn’t a choice I made for optics’ sake or because I expect to reach immediate literary success after graduating. This was a choice I made because I could tell it was Right. The capital R kind of Right. The kind of divine Right that can’t be chosen or manufactured. The Right that only comes by following one’s greatest happiness on their destined path. It’s the whole Wayne Gretsky thing in action— “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”. I took my shot. Maybe it’s a score, and maybe it isn’t. And if it isn’t, that doesn’t make me any less of a writer, just as if it is a score, it doesn’t make me any more of one either. It would garner more validation from others about my status as writer for sure, but since when has artistry ever cared about the opinions of others? I don’t think that validation is part of the need to create, it’s part of the need to feel seen. Both are important, but I don’t think they have anything to do with one another. People make things because it’s fun or therapeutic or meditative, not to gain attention. And now is certainly not the time to start skewing that while I’m on the cusp of a potentially huge change.
While my ego threatens a total meltdown every day and demands a win during this waiting game, I can serve it the win it desperately desires in the form of having put us in a position to receive a response at all. This satiates my ego for the most part because there certainly is achievement in completion. But ego, validation, and winning aside, the ultimate truth here is that I had a blast with my application. It felt incredible to work on something important to me, knowing that it would get read and receive an opinion. Regardless of the answer, a response signifies an exchange in energy in the Right realm. It’s a sign that I’m in it. I’m doing it, and I’ll continue to do it whether it’s a yes or a no because if I keep doing things Right, I’m going to find myself in another holding pattern very soon, awaiting yet another response to something I put my entire heart into. And that’s what being in it is.
Here are some other things I’ve been enjoying lately while trying to steer away from the heart palpitations:
New Work on formfollowsfunction.co
Music Club : A series of collaborative playlists that started in 2019 when my friend Doug and I would send each other new song recommendations. Up to Vol.17 now, add your favorites, I’d love to hear them.
And finally, if I could write a love letter to snail mail I would. I love sending letters so much. If you’d like to look forward to a fun piece of mail, comment (or just text me) and pick a notecard if one catches your eye. xo
Love always,
Izzie