April: Getting Lost in the "Shoulds"
Activating inner rebellion when life feels a little too serious
There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line. - Oscar Levant
A prominent part of me has always taken life very seriously. I can remember being four years old and deeply concerned about my dietary restrictions, whether or not I was hurting someone's feelings, and if I was doing my share to take care of the planet. For better or worse, my innate seriousness grew as I did and it would now be a primary scent note if my personality could be perfumized.
Like most strong personality traits, my seriousness doubles as a strength and a weakness. My situational disposition naturally gravitates towards being more concerned than relaxed, more extra than chill, and more controlling than trusting. It’s not all bad, I don’t have a very difficult time getting motivated. But the motivation is short-lived when the phase that comes directly afterwards is a paralyzing nervousness that everything is a problem.
Learning how to quell worry slows my ambition significantly more than mustering motivation. But because worry manifests itself in so many ways, each having a different antidote, it's tricky developing a go-to method to eradicate it.
One of the most common manifestations of worry comes to me in the form of "should" and clouds my thoughts with:
...youshouldbereadingmoreplaysyoushouldbereadingmorebooksyoushouldbesubscribetomorepublicationsyoushouldbewritingforatleasttwohourseverydayyoushouldwatchmorequalitytvyoushouldwatchmoreclassicfilmyoushouldbeeatingmoreorganicproduceyournailsshouldbenicertolookatyoushouldbeworkingoutmoreyoushouldbewatchingyourbudgetbetteryoushouldbecleaningyoushouldbethinkingmoreaboutyournextlifemoveyoushouldtextyourfriendsmoreyoushouldbeinvestingyourmoneyyoushouldbemorepresentonsocialmediayoushouldhaveabetterunderstandingoffrenchclassicsyoushouldbemoreorganizedyoushouldwearmorejewelryyoushouldbedevelopingyourwinepaletteyoushouldbelookingfornewlightfixturesyoushouldmeditatemoreyoushouldbetakingmoredietarysupplementsyoushouldknowhowtocooklobsteryoushouldbewearingmoresunscreenyoushouldbemorewellinformedyoushouldbemoretechsavvyyoushouldbelivingmoreoutofyourcomfortzone…
This disgusting monologue of "shoulds" is from Nadege, my inner critic. She's a French, city girl who lives in the mirage of a sexy lifestyle that I'm occasionally convinced is my oasis of fulfillment. Nadege doesn’t live in reality and never has because the “having it all” lifestyle is purely a show of smoke and mirrors that includes minimal joy and is extremely high maintenance. But Nadege insists that it's real and shows up every time I fall into a pit of comparison or a really good advertising trap, poisoning my natural joy with artificial happiness. In short,
Nadege.suuuuuuuuucks...
and she knows she sucks which is why she likes making me feel so bad. She is the source of misery that wants company.
I've gotten better at telling Nadege to fuck off except when it comes to the two things I care the most about: my relationships and my creativity. She knows how to get me second guessing my every move when it comes to those because we both know my deepest happiness depend on them. But in April, Nadege and I reached a breaking point.
All month, I let Nadege obliterate me with "shoulds". It was weeks-long tunnel vision on what I should be doing but wasn't. The interesting thing with that kind of perspective, is that not only is it impossible to notice positive action, but it stunts action all together. It's kind of like when I spend thirty minutes trying to decide what to watch on Netflix, waste all my energy on indecision, and take a nap instead. It feels like the same amount of energy goes into thinking about doing something as actually doing it, and Nadege was depleting my energy supply by running rampant with bitchy thoughts about what I should and shouldn't be doing.
I got so sick of her that I had to be honest with both of us: I don't love writing enough to torture myself over it. In fact, I wouldn't let "love" and "torture" coexist anywhere in my life. But Nadege is French… maybe she thinks of torture as some kind of weird, creative foreplay… typical. In any case, I would without a doubt give up writing forever to get rid of Nadege. And as soon as I quit, so did she. As long as Nadege thought I wasn't trying to say anything, she couldn't silence me and I could have fun again without the shade and judgement. Almost immediately, I felt refreshed and excited. I started back in on half-baked ideas and told Nadege that everything I was working on wasn't of any importance, so she could go crawl back into whatever chic hellhole she lives in. The more I separated us, the easier it became to differentiate our voices. I tuned into her personality, gave her a story of her own, and could make fun of her instead of letting her belittle me.
Putting all of this in writing sounds very much like it teeters on insanity, but emotions turn everyone into different versions of themselves. I highly recommend naming and understanding all of these different people, it's one of the only ways I've learned how to make actual use out of unhelpful advice that sounds like, "Don't get yourself down", "Be gentle with yourself", "Don't listen to negative thoughts". Any advice that advocates for reflexive action assumes that there are two of you anyway, so might as well figure out who all these people are if the goal is to make them all live harmoniously.
What definitely doesn't help any of them live harmoniously, in my experience, is external voices saying "don't worry" or, God forbid, "relax". Nadege can't hear any of that, and it's presumptuous to assume that anyone else's authority can overpower internal relationships. I need to remind myself of this all the time being very quick to dole out unsolicited advice. The only thing anyone else can do to help me hush Nadege is join me in the general's tent and take interest in my attack strategies with thoughtful discussion and responsive listening. I try to show up for them in the same way and with sustenance, because attackers like Nadege don't retreat easily. But it's what fighting the good fight looks like, and the only one I'll endlessly encourage to keep fighting.
Happy May, my lovely friends. I hope that your April planted new life to bloom this month.
With love always,
Izzie